Online Dating distasters

No, I'm not dating. I have no hopes to be anytime soon, but I was talking about online dating with Kristin last week and lamenting about some of my online dating disasters. She's venturing out there in the land of the Internet to find love and I've done that too with zero success. But it sure makes for some good stories. Here are my top three worst online dating adventures.

I met a charming man in downtown Fort Worth to have dinner at a local bar/restaurant. He drove a really nice car, was exceedingly handsome and had a really good job. He was a little older than me but I overlooked it because he was just so sweet. I still remember the shoes I wore that night, baby pink, kitten heel, sling back shoes. I still have them in my closet. Anyway, this man was polite and seemed to be someone I could really spend some serious time with. We sat down to dinner and made small talk about our jobs and children (he had none) and our pets. He asked if I wanted to see a picture of his dog and of course I said yes. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and showed me a picture that he carried with him at all times. I remember thinking how sweet it was that he loved his dog so much. That shows character, to me. After I said all the right things about his cute pup I gave him the picture back and I wrongly assumed the picture would be placed back into his wallet and we'd move on to other things. He gently placed this picture of his beloved dog on the table and proceeded to talk to the picture during our entire dinner conversation.

Crazy dog guy: "Oh, little princess, you are sooooooooo cute! Who's daddy's girl? You're daddy's girl!"

Me: ????

Needless to say I never went out with him or his dog again.


The next disaster date actually took time to turn into a disaster. I had been on three dates with this man, he had met my family and my son. I'd even made out with him twice. (Hey, no judging!) I found him attractive and a good dad to his two children from what he'd told me. He had a fairly good job in a good field and I was hopeful that our relationship was growing. We had made plans to go on a 4Th date and I was really looking forward to it. The 4Th date's a big deal, right? Hours before we were to meet I got a phone call from him:

Dude, who's an idiot: Hey, I've got to cancel for tonight, I need to meet Mary.

Me: Huh? Mary?

DWAI: Yea, Mary Jane, we have a date.

Me: Who's Mary Jane?

DWAI: You know. Mary Jane.

Me: Wait. You mean like pot? You are cancelling our date to get pot?

DWAI: Don't judge me, you don't even know me.

Me: Later, jackass.

The next day I got an e-mail from him that said that I shouldn't judge him just because he has children and smoked a little pot now and then. I wrote him back and told him it was OK, I didn't mind getting cancelled on in place of getting DRUGS.


And now for my last online dating disaster. I swear, people, I cannot even make this shit up if I tried.

I'd talked to "Jeff" a few time on the phone to hammer out the details of our first date. It annoyed me that I was always on speaker phone when I talked to him, but I didn't make that my deal breaker because that would be a petty reason. We decided to meet in downtown Fort Worth to get dinner and head over to the Bass Performance hall to see a musical that was playing. I'm cultured enough to agree to that and I was looking forward to it. As I made my way down the long city block Jeff called me on my cell phone and asked if I was almost there and I told him I was about to cross such-and-such street and I'd be there in just a minute. He told me he was at the same intersection but across the street from me. I took inventory of the people across the street to check him out at a distance first. I saw a man in a wheelchair, another man walking briskly in the wrong direction and a woman waiting to cross the street. I was sure Jeff was confused, or maybe I was, as to where we were supposed to meet. That was until the man in the wheelchair smiled a big smile at me and called out my name. I crossed the street, still dumbfounded and I decided that I would proceed with my date. It was the least I could do, or so I thought. I had no idea that I'd be cutting his food into tiny pieces, or pouring his drink into a special cup that he could use. I didn't realize that we would get handicapped seating for our show or that it would dawn on me midway through the show that he never needed to go to the restroom. He was a quadriplegic (due to a childhood accident) and failed to tell me. Now I knew why I was always on speaker phone and it annoyed me that I'd be lied to by omission. As kind and interesting he was I just couldn't fathom caring for someone the way he needed to be cared for. I had a 5-year-old at the time. He was supremely angry when I told him I just couldn't date him. As if.

Jeff was my last online dating experience and will likely be my last. I fully intend on meeting someone in person at a local drug free rally for cat lovers who don't carry photos of their cats with them.

Oh, also, these were my top three dating disasters. But also, they were my ONLY online dating experiences. I have awful luck apparently.

I'd love to hear your online dating disasters. Please tell me I'm not the only one.


Anonymous said...

OMG!!! The mary jane guy? What a jackass!!!

She Likes Purple said...

I hope you can laugh at these now. They are funny in hindsight, but I can't imagine handling them as well as you did at the time. If I'm meeting a guy for a date and he shows up in a wheelchair without telling me, I will become very sick very quickly.

BeachGirl said...

yikes! my worst were the lives-for-football coach who was so sweet to inform me that i'm too pale and a nerd and the CRAZY computer guy who told me on our first date "my dad is gay. are you cool with that?" (*long pause* "uh...i think so?") and then emailed me immediately after the brief coffee date insisting that i analyze his personality, looks, and our possible future. lol. he also asked me out for coffee and ordered coffee as well even though it makes him visibly gag with each sip! *shudder* i hate online dating. i might end up an old maid, but at least i'm not being tortured by weirdos anymore!

Maggie said...

I do remember being set up on a blind date my freshman year of college. My friend gave me his screen name so I could talk to him before I agreed to the blind date.

He seemed nice enough, so I agreed to go to dinner with him. He picked me up in his truck (which was mcnasty... and there was a hole in the floor board... WHERE MY FEET SHOULD HAVE BEEN) and had brought me some gifts. These included: a glass rose, a tin of chocolates, and the lyrics to Garth Brooks' "To Make You Feel My Love." I should have jumped out of the truck then.

He proceeded to take me to dinner... in a NEIGHBORING TOWN. That's right. I'm stuck with some whack-job in his scary truck going to a fish place (I don't eat fish, really) in ANOTHER TOWN. Super. Thank the sweet baby Jesus that I had my cell phone (more like cell-brick) with me. While he was treating me to dinner, yapping about our relationship potential and offering to buy me a drink, even though I was 18, I excused myself to the bathroom and called a friend to bail me out.

Her car had broken down, but she called me back (she waited the obligatory 5 minutes for me to get back to the table) and told me that she had been in an accident (which, in hindsight, is not completely unbelievable) and that I need to get back to school ASAP.

I had her talk to him while I excused myself to talk to the bartender and tell him to call my dorm room in 1/2 and hour and that if I wasn't there to call the cops. She did the frantic thing well and before I knew it Freaky McCreepCreep was shagging arse back to Abilene to get me to my dorm. He tried to kiss me but I bolted out of the vehicle with my "presents" in tow (which were later ceremoniously buried in an undisclosed location) and RAN into the dorm.

F McCC managed to stalk me for a few months after that. Sending me flowers, leaving notes on my car (I still don't know how he knew which one was mine), and occasionally waiting outside my dorm for me. I reported him to the campus police more than once, but they couldn't do much if they got there and he was gone.

My friend Mike took care of everything one night. He walked me to my dorm after dinner (at least one of my guy friends did this every night in exchange for fresh baked cookies weekly) and F McCC was there. Mike was on the football team. He was/is MASSIVE. Well over 6-feet and not too physically different from Bill Goldberg, of WCW fame.

Mike approached him and told him to get the hell away from my dorm, stay the hell of the campus, and that if he EVER so much as tried to contact me again, he would hunt F McCC down and break his legs. F McCC said, "I love her and I'm sure she loves me."

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's when Mike reared back and punched F McCC square in the face. Mike was not the violent type, but he was worried about me. I am pretty sure he broke F McCC's nose. After that, we called the Campus Cops, he was escorted off the campus (and to the emergency room) and a formal report was filed. He disappeared after that.

I saw him again about 8 years later during a Homecoming weekend I went to. I knew EXACTLY who he was and managed to avoid him at all costs. I really wanted to walk up to him, unload a can of pepper spray in his face, do Sandra Bullock's SING routine from Miss Congeniality and then run, but instead, I just stayed FAR, FAR away.

Not all internet dates go badly, but I will say that after that, I was VERY SKEPTICAL of whom I chose to spend ANY time with.

/long and hilarious in hindsight


Elena said...

Most of my internet dating was done when I was WAYY young and turned out pretty well, but I do have a few interesting stories.

#1: After talking online with a very nice seeming Asian guy named Darrell, I actually met him in person. Our "dates" ended up being supervised by his very overbearing and very tiny mom. He was far too inexperienced for me, but was an honestly nice guy. He actually ended up tracking me down on MySpace a couple of years ago, and we've had a couple of nice conversations. He's married with a couple of kids now, and is a (lousy)Christian musician. Needless to say, I'm glad I didn't get involved.

#2: Met a somewhat older guy who was a complete douchebag. (I was 15, he was 25.) We went out to dinner once, went swimming in our underwear in Malibu, and I turned him down for a second date.

#3: Got a random IM from a guy who claimed that we'd talked online in the past. I didn't remember him, but I talked to a LOT of people back then, so I went along with it. He was a trust fund baby who didn't work, and was really nice. (Also 10 years older than me.) He doted on me, spent ridiculous amounts of money one me, and we generally had a great time. After a few months, he confessed that he got my name from douchebag #2 who told him I would be an easy lay. =) We were engaged twice over the years, and are still good friends. He was just too needy and controlling for me, and it drove me nuts after a couple months that I couldn't even glance at something in the store without him buying it for me, no matter how much I protested.

#4: Ahhh. Finally, someone my own age! He was awesome. Beyond awesome. A little bit short, but he was an absolute blast. We dated for a few months, finally slept together, then I didn't hear from him again. (To be continued).

#5 In college, I ended up meeting a local guy online. His profile page on Yahoo claimed his occupation as a professional whore, and proclaimed that he was "now serving #47". We hung out a couple of times, and he was okay, though a bit weird. He was double jointed, and could have literally given himself head (had he not had his bevy of whores, of course.) We went out a few times, but never got intimate. I noticed that his serving # would go up fairly regularly, but still thought it was a joke. Until I found out that one of my friend's boyfriends had worked with him at a former job. I guess his serving number was definitely NOT a joke. That was the end of that. =)

#6 - I met a very nice seeming guy and went out with him a couple of times. Things were going okay, until I found out that he had graduated high school with my boss. That kind of put a damper on things, as my boss and I had a VERY good relationship, and it just made thing weird. I decided that my friendship with my boss was much more valuable to me than my relationship with his former football buddy, and that was that.

#4, part 2: I randomly get an email on my hotmail account from #4 asking if I'm really me, as he'd been searching for me for the last three years. Supposedly, after our last date, his roller hockey team ended up going on the road (he swears he told me) and when he got back a month later, my phone was disconnected and I had moved. All of which is true, as I had some issues with #3 that resulted in a restraining order and me running for the border, more or less. We talked a lot again, though we were cross country by then. He was in the military and got deployed to Iraq (back in early 1998). He still remembered tons of stuff about me, and even recognized my old perfume which I used as a test when I sent him a letter. He professed his undying love for me, and things very well may have proceeded for us, had I not hooked up with Todd two months later. I haven't talked to him since, but I do think about him fairly often and wonder how he's doing.

If I was single, I'd be willing to do online dating again. I guess my #1 rule would be to spend enough time talking online to get to know the person fairly well before meeting in person. My mom met my stepdad online, and they've been together for almost 14 years.

Melissa said...

My only attempt at online dating resulted in meeting Richie. (remember him?) That was about it. I much prefer to pick up guys in bars.

I do remember the guy in the wheelchair and the guy who took dog love to a whole new level of insanity!

Shane said...

I love the Jeff story haha.

Kristabella said...

I'm so glad you shared these!

I will remember these when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I am online dating only in terms of having a profile. No one actually ever asks me out. Which might be a good thing!