I'm irritating myself and I can't stop.

I've posted a few times about my weight loss after having my youngest son, Jackson. I had been doing so well. Exercising 5-6 days a week on average, eating really well and it was showing, the pounds were coming right off. My skinny jeans fit again and I was contemplating buying the next size down to avoid saggy ass syndrome that was happening because I was getting skinner. I was doing all the right things and it was paying off and I was happy about it. Although, I wasn't happy enough because I'd catch a glimpse of myself and think "Hey, you still have 8 pounds to go to your goal, stop gloating" and then my self sabotage would make me all sad and depressed for a short amount of time but not so short that I didn't console myself with more food that I didn't need.

The weeks and months have gone by and I've been slowly gaining back some of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. I gained one pound in a week, then half a pound one week then four pounds and I just gave up and stopped caring. And then I injured my knee during a boot camp at my gym and was down for the count for several weeks. And then Derick came home and I wanted to spend more time with him. AND then I had a stupid toe nail removed and that? that shit HURTS. I couldn't wear regular lace up shoes for more than a week. If it wasn't one thing it was another, an endless list of "And Then".

So here I sit. I've gained 12 pounds in the last few months and I'm just feeling so stupid. How on earth did I let this happen? I was doing so well, I felt so good about how far I'd come and then I just stopped caring, stopped working hard, stopped taking care of myself. I let life get in the way, as it so often does and I have no one to blame but myself. I made excuses for myself, oh, it's only water weight, it's that time of the month, I'm only up 5 pounds I can lose that quickly, blah blah blah.

My skinny jeans now hang in my closet and my lose fitting work pants are pulling at the seams and I just want to cry. I know better. I KNOW BETTER. I take such pride in how well I treat my one and only body and then I go and fill it full of food it doesn't even need. It's not even "bad" foods for the most part, it's just too much of a good thing. I guess that really does exist, too much of a good thing.

Let me say that I eat fantastically well for breakfast and lunch. I go easy on the snacks and my dinner is usually something really healthy. It's after the sun goes down that I just can't help myself. I go back an forth between the sofa and the fridge. A bowl of cereal here, a piece of fruit there, maybe I'll have some dinner leftovers, it won't hurt to pop a bag of popcorn before bed. It's not because I'm even hungry. That's what kills me. I'm not even hungry for this stuff and yet I can't stop myself.

I know that I must be doing this to fill some void and I don't even want to admit what that void is. I know what it is, but I can't bring myself to say it. I'll just say that I put a brave face on for all to see but it sucks to spend the nights alone, watching recorded television shows with no one to laugh at them with. It's getting fucking old.

So I sit on my sofa and eat things I don't need to eat just because I can. And I gain 12 pounds and I wallow in self pity and it fucking sucks. I am so over this cycle I put myself through and I don't know how to get out of it once and for all.


It's been a fun summer

I haven't been writing much lately, I know. I've been trying to pack in as much as possible with both my boys here with me this summer. We've done so much that I'm not even sure if I can remember it all.

We've done A LOT of swimming at the local pool and playing in the sprinkler in the backyard. Jackson loves to wear his "swimsoup" and Derick tans like crazy (jealous!). We've gone through almost an entire bottle of SPF 50 and both boys hate when I rub the sunscreen on their faces. Jackson loves to rub it on his belly, though.

We've discovered the local library after almost 4 years of living in the neighborhood. I have no idea why we didn't utilize it earlier. It's a tiny little library but it's got enough books, movies and Cd's that we will stay entertained for years to come. Across the street is a park so we go get books and then head over to swing for a bit. It's great because we get out of the house and get to do something for free and everyone likes to get new books. Derick read 7 books in two weeks!

I took Derick to Six Flags last week and we had a total blast. Other than one ride, we didn't have to wait in line at all hardly. The max wait was 20 minutes. My child made me ride The Titan THREE TIMES IN A ROW. After I started to black out each time I figured we'd had enough of that ride. I was so proud of Derick because he conquered his fear of roller coasters. He used to get so scared, so scared of even the small coasters. Dude took that fear, beat it up and came out on top and we had a total blast. We rode almost every single coaster in the park, many of them several times. I came out of it wearing a wicked sunburn, exhausted but exhilarated.

The boys have had a great time playing together. I worried that when Derick went to his dad's house that Jackson would forget his brother or be shy when he came back but it's been the opposite, thank goodness! Derick does a great job entertaining and babysitting Jackson so I can shower in peace or even pee alone (it's a novelty!). He sits with Jackson and watches kid cartoons and hardly makes fun of them at all. I just love seeing them together, making memories. Jackson loves to "creep" to Derick and scare him, he gets a fit of giggles when Derick turns the tables and scares him.

I've tried to ask Derick if he wants to stay home instead of going back to his dad's house and I get the feeling that he doesn't. I'm trying my best to not nag him about staying him but at the same time letting him know that he's wanted at home and that I'd love if he chose to stay here. I doubt it's working, but a mom can try, right?

We have plans to head to Austin for the weekend to visit one set of grandparents who live literally across the street from the lake. We also are flying to Missouri in a few weeks to spend about a week there visiting a ton of family, floating the river and hanging out. I'm trying to squeeze in even more stuff with my boys to make this a memorable summer for us all.

If you don't see me around these parts much, you know why! Happy summer everyone!


I'm escaping many times.

I really enjoy vacations and getting away for a short time. When I get home from a vacation I know that appreciate my everyday life that much more. During my life I've had the opportunity to take some great vacations and visit some great locations but most of those were with family and I didn't really pay for them. I suppose it's time to grow up some and pay for my own way. That time is here which sucks, but I'm super excited to get away with some great people that I just adore.

This September I'm escaping to Sacramento. Last year I attended BlogHer and it was fun but it was a little too serious for my tastes. For me, personally, I don't care to learn how I can increase my blogging traffic. Making money is not in the cards for me in relation to blogging. I also would rather sitting around with a bunch of ladies talking about lame TV shows and painting my fingernails. Also I hear there's an HGTV drinking game. I'm in.

I'm super excited about go to CA, I have more than Sacramento on the agenda. I hope to get lost and then get found and discover new places and things and people. I'm researching vegan-friendly restaurants in the LA, Carmel, San Francisco and Sacramento area. If you know of any, please pass them along. I am pretty sure the beach is calling me name also. So, there's that.

In October I'm heading to Vegas with a few friends. The last time I went to Vegas it was so fun but I think it will be even more fun with lots of people, especially with some girls to people watch with me. The boys can waste the night away playing 21 and the girls can ogle the Louboutin shoes. I'm going to have to memorize "The Hangover" so I can quote it all during this trip.

The last vacation I have planned is a cruise in December with one of my oldest girlfriends. Oldest as in I've known her longer than any of my other friends. She single and I'm single and we're going to spend the days lounging on the beach and ogling the hot men. We'd love to have more people come so if you're interested please contact me, we'd love to have you! It's SUPER cheap and hello, you'll need a vacation by December, right?

Tell me, do you have any vacations planned?


It's my one year Veganversary

One year and a few weeks ago I watched an episode of 30 Days that forever changed the way I eat, the way I view food and the way I live my life. That episode was the catapult to my choice of becoming a vegan for my health, the planet and for the animals. It's been a whirlwind year full of researching this lifestyle and I feel now, more than ever, that I made the right choice.

I've managed to convert two people to veganism and that just makes me so proud. I also think I have helped to reduce some people's dependency on animal products which I am equally proud of. I've had the opportunity to talk openly about my choice with, mostly, supportive people who may not understand my choice but are open to listening to why I live the way I do.

There have been a few bumps along the road but it's been a fun journey and those bumps have taught me something about myself. I anticipate that more bumps will cross my path and I anticipate that they will just be another way to learn a lesson and improve. That's what life's all about, right?

Today I celebrate one year of a more compassionate, conscious, environmentally friendly way of living. I feel good about where I am and I hope that, when people are ready, that they will open up to a less invasive way of living.

If you'd like more information about veganism or just feel like lightening your dependency, please explore these links:

The Post Punk Kitchen
I use the forum on this site. It's a great place to ask questions and learn things. Also, the food porn is fun to look at.

Vegan Yum Yum
Need a vegan cooking blog? Here's a great one. There's even a free iPhone app for this site.

Newport News
I've found some super cute shoes here. I am avid about not buying animal leather (who wants to wear another creature on their body?) and the selection, although not entirely non-leather, has a good selection at awesome prices.

All sorts of information. When I buy things at the grocery store I always get excited when I see it's been "certified vegan".

Type in vegan in the search field and you'll get thousands of hits.

The link is the the "I can't believe it's vegan" list. There are a TON of foods out there that are "accidentally" vegan which makes my life just that much easier. Oreo cookies, anyone?

Recipe Zaar
1,515 recipes is what I get when I type the word vegan in the search box. That'll keep you busy for a while and I bet you won't even miss the stuff that's not in the recipe.

Meatless Monday
You can save animals, water and fossil fuels. Not to mention you can lower your cholesterol, maybe lose a few pounds and feel good about a cruelty free meal.


Cross posted at Inspired Vegan



I used to hate hate hate wearing dresses. Now I love love love wearing dresses. I ordered a few dresses online just a few days ago from Francesca's Collections and I know the Internet is dying to see what I got:

Paris Sundress I'll definitely need a shirt to go under this loooooow cute dress, but I love the print and the color blocking.

Seaside Chiffon Dress The ethereal floating look is so adorable and I cannot wait to wear this on the beach in December for my cruise that's been booked.

Strawberry Shortcake Dress This dress looks so simple and I hope that it fits well. I adore the color.

Noir Racerback Dress Basic, black, cute.

Confidante Dress The pattern on this dress I love and the gathering at the bust is adorable.

Since I ordered these online I'm hoping that at least 2 will fit well and flatter me. I'm hoping for a 5 to work well, but I'd be happy with two. Come on, postman!!!


Buying a swimsoup*

Yesterday I bought a swimsuit. And I didn't die. Dodged a bullet there, I tell ya.

I HATE HATE HATE buying swimsuits. I would argue that 99.7% of women hate buying swimsuits. We have to basically get something that covers very little and leaves little to the imagination. I want to leave A LOT to the imagination, thank you very much. I attempted to apply some self tanner to the thigh region before hand so I could fool at least my eyes into thinking my thighs are much less cellulite ridden than they actually are. I didn't die so I guess it worked. I may have fainted at some point, but obviously I made out on the other side.

Also, I'd like to confess that I'm getting older. I bought a tankini to offset the fact that both the suits I bought have skirts on them. Granted they barely pass for skirts since my ass is still hanging out but they are skirts none the less. They cover an 1/8 inch of thigh and I'll take that 1/8 inch.

The last time I wore a swimsuit and felt comfortable was approximately 28 years ago, when I was 3 years old. I still have that swimsuit also. It was a little red crochet bikini. You won't catch me in a bikini again until the day they invent lower body, specifically stomach, transplants. Seeing as how that will not occur in my lifetime I opt for the tankini. I get the cooler option of a two piece but with the coverage of a one piece which makes me feel less old and more hip.

I wish I could be carefree like some women who walk around in their swimsuits cut to there but it's just not me. When I go boating I always make sure that the excess fat isn't bouncing around all willy nilly like. I've tried skiing and knee boarding and all those things but I'm just to self conscious to give it the real big girl try. I'll be bouncing over waves! The thought sends shudders down my spine. When I get to a pool or lake or other body of water I high tail it in the water to my waist and then I let out a sigh of relief because I'm camouflaged part ways. That is until kids with goggles are under the water. I know, I know! When will the insanity end?

So I bought two swimsuits and I feel marginally good in them and their two piece, skirted-ness. I'm going to attempt to slap a smile on my, properly sun screened, face and make the best of it and have fun. Besides, no one really remembers the amount of cellulite their mother has, do they?


* Jackson calls them swimsoups and I just don't have the heart to correct him because, hello?! swimsoup is adorable! If you disagree, well then, you can shove it.