I'm irritating myself and I can't stop.

I've posted a few times about my weight loss after having my youngest son, Jackson. I had been doing so well. Exercising 5-6 days a week on average, eating really well and it was showing, the pounds were coming right off. My skinny jeans fit again and I was contemplating buying the next size down to avoid saggy ass syndrome that was happening because I was getting skinner. I was doing all the right things and it was paying off and I was happy about it. Although, I wasn't happy enough because I'd catch a glimpse of myself and think "Hey, you still have 8 pounds to go to your goal, stop gloating" and then my self sabotage would make me all sad and depressed for a short amount of time but not so short that I didn't console myself with more food that I didn't need.

The weeks and months have gone by and I've been slowly gaining back some of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. I gained one pound in a week, then half a pound one week then four pounds and I just gave up and stopped caring. And then I injured my knee during a boot camp at my gym and was down for the count for several weeks. And then Derick came home and I wanted to spend more time with him. AND then I had a stupid toe nail removed and that? that shit HURTS. I couldn't wear regular lace up shoes for more than a week. If it wasn't one thing it was another, an endless list of "And Then".

So here I sit. I've gained 12 pounds in the last few months and I'm just feeling so stupid. How on earth did I let this happen? I was doing so well, I felt so good about how far I'd come and then I just stopped caring, stopped working hard, stopped taking care of myself. I let life get in the way, as it so often does and I have no one to blame but myself. I made excuses for myself, oh, it's only water weight, it's that time of the month, I'm only up 5 pounds I can lose that quickly, blah blah blah.

My skinny jeans now hang in my closet and my lose fitting work pants are pulling at the seams and I just want to cry. I know better. I KNOW BETTER. I take such pride in how well I treat my one and only body and then I go and fill it full of food it doesn't even need. It's not even "bad" foods for the most part, it's just too much of a good thing. I guess that really does exist, too much of a good thing.

Let me say that I eat fantastically well for breakfast and lunch. I go easy on the snacks and my dinner is usually something really healthy. It's after the sun goes down that I just can't help myself. I go back an forth between the sofa and the fridge. A bowl of cereal here, a piece of fruit there, maybe I'll have some dinner leftovers, it won't hurt to pop a bag of popcorn before bed. It's not because I'm even hungry. That's what kills me. I'm not even hungry for this stuff and yet I can't stop myself.

I know that I must be doing this to fill some void and I don't even want to admit what that void is. I know what it is, but I can't bring myself to say it. I'll just say that I put a brave face on for all to see but it sucks to spend the nights alone, watching recorded television shows with no one to laugh at them with. It's getting fucking old.

So I sit on my sofa and eat things I don't need to eat just because I can. And I gain 12 pounds and I wallow in self pity and it fucking sucks. I am so over this cycle I put myself through and I don't know how to get out of it once and for all.


Kristabella said...

Oh sweetie, I'm SO RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! With everything you said.

I did Weight Watchers in 2003 and I lost close to 50 pounds. And slowly they have been creeping on, like after my break-up with an ex and I ate my way through it, through getting fired twice and the stress that went with it. I am now back up to the weight I was in April of 2003 and I HATE myself. Which, like you, makes it just as bad because I eat my feelings.

And I'm the same as you.....I'm fine for meals. And then night time hits and I snack WAY TOO MUCH! And then I drink too much alcohol when I go out. And it's all to make me happier because I'm not happy right now.

But after seeing my fat self in all the photos from BlogHer, I NEED to change something! It has to stop! Where did my willpower from 2003-04 go??

Also, I think you're awesome! You can do it! WE can do it! Love ya!

She Likes Purple said...

Even when you aren't alone at night, it's hard to resist the lure of the pantry, I KNOW, MY GOD DO I KNOW.

What's so tough is that, as you said, there's nothing wrong with indulging or eating a dessert now and then or popping a bag of popcorn after a LONG day wrangling kids, but somehow we have to find the balance and that's the whole thing, that's the HARDEST thing.

I lost a whole lotta weight once too and it crept back on, pound by pound and then I got pregnant and MORE POUNDS. I'm reclaiming things, finally, but it's a never ending process. It'll never be over as long as I care about how I feel. And when I accepted that -- there's not really a goal weight in mind, there's a lifestyle I'm aiming for instead -- that's when everything seemed so much easier.

But even when it's easier, it's still so damn hard.

Hugs, darling!

Chandler Jaye said...

Hey, I do the exact same thing. Coast through the day eating well with only the ocassional cheat. I have cut way back on sugar and started seeing results. But its when I get home at night and snack out of boredom. Even if its healthy snacks, I am not even hungry! Its boredom, its something to comfort me while I watch TV alone, which is the real reason...loneliness. I am trying to just have a cup of juice or just got to bed earlier to avoid eating all together. You are not the only one...just get back in it one day at a time.

TUWABVB said...

Sometimes it's even worse when you having someone next to you sitting on the couch because you can get sucked into other people's vortex of laziness too. But it's a cycle that every body experiences - seriously. I can't tell you how many times I've lost motivation and I'm at all time high weight right now. If it means anything, you are an inspiration to me - even when you feel low. You still take such good care of yourself.

Jess said...

OMG I can so relate. Which is a huge part of why I had surgery. Because I would do so well, over and over again, and then I would gain it back. Every time. And I was just DONE with that and plus it's not healthy.

I think the thing is not to beat yourself up, you know? Don't try to make huge drastic changes all at once. Just build things in. Add a spinning class a week. Decide not to eat one snack that you normally would have eaten. And then let things snowball from there.

Good luck!

Sarah said...

I don't know what it is but snack time is a powerful thing. There is something so comforting about snacking to me.
But you did it before, you did such a good job. And that hard work is not wiped away at all. It's not like someone else stepped in and did all that hard work-you did it and I really believe you can do it again!

rizomomof4 said...

Kristi How well i know what all you wrote ! it is me over and over ( well the eating part) i don't chose healthy food either (like you do ) i chose junk and i eat just to eat why why why must i do this ! i always say if i would have stopped working out i would be up at very lest 50lbs! i am not going to let my weight come back NO WAY ! today was the day i am going to take back control of me not the food any more !
stay stong girl ! i so know what your going though !

MommaMo said...

It might help to revisit some of the reasons and the things that you did to help yourself get started a few months ago and try to implement those things again. As for the lonely nights, I can only show empathy not sympathy. But I feel for you, I really do. Hang in there - you are always one tough (vegan) cookie!