In two weeks and one day Derick is FINALLY coming home. If you recall, back in January, I sent my oldest son to live with his Dad. It sucked and I cried and driving away from him, leaving him behind over a thousand miles away, was total and utter crap. I hated it.

I haven't seen Derick, other than a few random pictures, in over 6 MONTHS. I missed over half a year of my son become more of a young man. I missed him getting braces and growing into yet another shoe size. Sure, I mailed him those new shoes and I saw a picture of those new, shiny braces but it's just not the same.

He's coming home for about 7 weeks and has decided to go back to his Dad's house which sucks. He's officially in high school and he will be officially 1 day into his 14Th year when he gets here. He'll also be officially that much closer to being a grown up and never talking to his mother again. It just sucks and I hate it.

I hate that he's so far. I could handle if he was 3 hours or even 5 hours away. But over 20 hours away, by car? Not so much. He loves it there, with his other family and I know why, I'm sure. They are more of a close knit family and he probably feels more included and they do different things there and I think he just feels like he fits in better. Boy, that's hard to admit that I think he prefers that family as opposed to this one, but I am pretty positive that's true.

I hate that he wants to go back but I want to make the most of our ever so short summer vacation. I have grand plans of going to Six Flags, going hiking, having picnics outside, playing in the inflatable pool in the backyard with Jackson and hopefully some other things. I intend on having Derick do his chores like he needs to do and be a part of this family as he always has been. This won't be that kind of vacation for him.

My biggest fear is that he will never come home and he will stay in the Maryland area for the rest of his life. He'll meet his future bride, have kids and it will be a huge deal to go visit him and my grand kids. I'm sure I'm being dramatic, but have I mentioned how much I hate that he's so far away? I HATE IT.

Supposedly his Dad and that family is moving this way in December but I've heard him say he was moving here for YEARS so I'm not holding my breath at all. I just hope he's become a man of his word, finally.

It's going to be bittersweet my Derick coming home to visit us. I'm going to try and not count the days down till he leaves me again and I will keep all my hate of him leaving again inside so I don't ruin his visit. But internally, I want him to want to stay and I know he doesn't want to and that's what I hate the most.


Derick, someday I imagine you will read this and I think it's important for you to know that I did not write this with dry eyes. I want what's best for you, even when I hate that it's not what I want. But that's just one facet of a parent's job, do what's best for your children and hope that they know someday how much you loved them to let them go, even when it hurts.


Heather said...

Gentle hugs mama. I have been in your shows. I sent my second son to live with his dad when he was 15. He got his first job there, graduated high school there, had girl friends....... He is now grown and living back here with us. Just try to remember that just because he chose another life, doesn't mean that he doesn't want you. You are still his mom and he will still come home to you when he needs you. Hang in there!

MommaMo said...

Awwww..... you're the best momma ever! I can't wait to see Derick in a few weeks and go to Six Flags with you guys. Hang in there, everything will be great.

Jess said...

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. It is really sad and you are such a good mother for letting him do what he needs right now even though it's so painful for you.

Two things about him as a grownup: first, he will not stop talking to you. The phase that he's in right now is probably the most difficult and distant that he'll be. He will get closer to you as he grows up. Really. And second, I just moved across the country from my parents, now a four-hour flight instead of a four-hour drive from them. And while that sucks, we're still close and we still see each other all the time. Even if he does settle far away, you'll still be able to be close with him. It will work out. And he'll grow up to appreciate the fact that you were able to let him go to his father at this age, because that's what he needed at the time.

Chandler Jaye said...

I can't even imagine what that feels like. Let me know if you ever need to talk.

La Petite Chic said...

((HUGS)) I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to watch your boy grow up from afar. It's obvious how much you love him and put him first and I think he will always be grateful to you because of it. Hang in there, hon.

Sarah said...

oh hon, I am sending such big big hugs your way.

TUWABVB said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. You should be proud of yourself that you are doing what you think is best for your son, and not what would hurt you less. ((Hugs))