3.24.2009

And so I struggle...

I was talking to a client of mine the other day and told him about Jackson's fall from the third story window and how amazing it was that he was unscathed (for the most part). Everyone agrees that it's a miracle that he walked away with just a few scratches. My client asked me if this experience had "opened my eyes". This particular client is a religious man and he quotes the bible often so I knew exactly what he meant. He wanted to know if I was any closer to praising God for saving my child. Other people have praised God up one side and down another and I just, well, I just struggle with doing the same.

You see, one of my other clients has a son who fell from a two story window several years ago. He was about the same age as Jackson when he fell. He's permanently brain damaged and will never be the same child. He will probably never be self sufficient. He and his mother were one of my very first thoughts when I heard that my own son had fallen from a window. I bargained for a broken arm or leg or a permanent scar. Anything except for permanent brain damage or worse. It's funny what you'll settle with when faced with possible death.

I struggle with praising God for letting my child walk away un-harmed because why did he choose my son over another mother's son? When someone says that "God is good" and he helped my son, all I can think is what about the other boy? What about the other children who fall from windows and don't walk away? Is my son more special than other mother's sons? I don't think so. I think each child is as special as the rest.

Don't get my wrong. I am so grateful and over the moon that my son is perfectly OK and that he will have no lasting anything from his tumble. I thank my lucky stars everyday and I think that there's a reason he was spared. I think there's something out there bigger than all of us, I'm just not sure that's it's one man, or spirit, or ghost or whatever.

I may come to my moment of reckoning and wish I had believed with every fiber of my being. I may take that moment to start praying and asking for forgiveness from God himself instead of just asking for forgiveness from the universe. I may regret not going to church and giving thanks and 10% of my income to a church to "spread the word".

It's all unknown and that's what I struggle with I suppose. All I do know is that I'd be naive to think that there isn't something out there that is bigger than all of us. There just has to be. I know that when I think of seeing my boy for the first time after he fell will be etched in my brain forever and my throat will catch and I'll have to hold back tears. I know that sneaking into his room late at night to watch him breathe is a luxury that I relish now more than ever.

I'm eternally grateful to whoever saved my son whether it was God or angels or little sprites. I believe in something, I'm just working out exactly what that is.

9 comments:

Raven said...

I totally understand where you are coming from; I have the same questions.

Sarah said...

I struggle with the same questions

Melissa said...

Here comes the preachy one!

I totally think that God has a plan for us all. He has a strange way of teaching us things but there's a lesson in everything.

How do we not know that little boy with the brain damage is not a puzzle piece for a big plan? Like using stem cells to reverse brain damage? Or something along those lines.

One of the most interesting things I've learned is people of faith have an amazing amount of faith. They trust in God, Jesus whoever with every aspect and have this odd peace about them. Maybe not odd peace but you can just feel it radiating around them. I asked a friend of mine who has had numerous miscarriages why she isn't mad at God and she said that she trusts his judgment and if it's not time then he will bless her when it is time.

TUWABVB said...

I feel the same way and I think you put it very eloquently. I don't think I can understand it all, but my brain wants a logical explanation. I suppose that's what faith is supposed to be about...but I have a lot of the same questions.

And I'm just so glad that your little guy is okay!

jodifur said...

I'm a jew who doesn't believe in g-d. My BFF is a rabbi. Imagine those conversations.

becky @ misspriss said...

the only thing that would open my eyes to is my ex being an idiot for not watching closer. not that you'd say or think that, but i sure would.

i get your hesitancy in thinking about your friend's son in comparison to yours. how sad, to be grateful your son was spared, yet feel bad for your friends.

Wendy, Totally Desperate Mom said...

I get where you're coming from. I understand what you are saying. I was the mom on the other side of the table - kind of. My baby died when she was 4 days old. She had Trisomy 13, which is fatal. I found out when I was 5 months pregnant. Long story - i have started (and yet to finish) a blog about it
www.faithhagen.blogspot.com
Even though I don't understand a lot about God and His ways - I do know that He is faithful. And he loves all of us. Your son, the other person's son with brain damage and my daughter in heaven. Loves them. Loves the Moms too. Can't make sense of it all. Not quite. But boy did He give me amazing peace during that time with Baby Faith. Ironically, I felt his love and presence and understood him more during that time than I ever have before. Weird, weird, I know.
Just don't stop wrestling with it and searching for God.

Lara said...

I have all the same questions you have, having had endured the trauma we did with my dad...not sure I'll ever have my answers. But everyday I have faith that everything will be ok. Hugs!

Danielle-lee said...

I struggle with the 'why this one and not that one?' all the time. But! I do believe God has a plan for ALL OF US, and no, it might not be the plan we would have in mind (because who thinks "Oh, I want my kid to be brain damaged"??), but God sees more, and his plan for that child may very well save many other people.
Keep searching for that answer....that's in His plan for you too. :)