2.17.2009

Internet Dating.

Do you guys remember my horror stories about online dating? Apparently I haven't taken enough abuse so I'm at it again. I've found some handsome, sweet-sounding men so far. No dates yet, but I've had some really interesting messages. One guys told me that it was important to have sex very soon after meeting because it was the key to a lasting relationship. I politely declined and told him good luck on his booty call search. (I wonder what will happen when his junks doesn't work as well as it used it. Will he then learn the art of conversation?)

I got a message today that made me laugh out loud. If they wasn't 45 I would have probably responded. Although he is a little crazy sounding:

"I cannot, cannot, cannot use chopsticks. Now I refuse to. Otherwise it takes about 4 hours to eat my meal. That's if I get any. My food's usually sprayed around the restaurant. Nearby diners spend the evening picking my chow mein from their clothes, eyebrows and nostrils. The fortune cookie's a farce. Mine always says "You are still very hungry". The wait-staff suppress giggles when they give me my bill. Sometimes I take the bus for the adventure. A few days ago, I sat beside this HUGE old black lady who offered me some home-baked raisin bread. She rummaged through 3 big trash bags and, after a few close shaves with an excitable chihuahua, produced it. She said that if I knew Jesus, I could have some. I didn't want the bread but denying Jesus didn't sound too promising either. I mean, I like Jesus but he LOVES me so it's a bit awkward. As I quietly panicked, she dinged the bell and ordered me to carry her bags off the bus. I precariously lumbered her trash bags, careful to cause as little bodily harm as possible to fellow passengers. When I got back to my seat, she'd left me some raisin bread anyway. I fed it to the dog. Never did like chihuahuas."

So, as you snuggle with your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend or whatever, please keep me in mind. I'll be out there pounding the e-mails to find my love. He's GOT to be out there somewhere. He's just really really hard to find.

7 comments:

Melissa said...

Ever thought of writing a book on dating? Seriously some of the stuff that happens to you would be an awesome read (and then maybe someone will make a mini-series out of it and then a movie and you'll be very rich)

I'm curious to know if that's a canned email he sends to all the ladies though?

La Petite Chic said...

Oh lord, that guy sounds a little insane!! Good luck with it all :)

DoodleBunz/DB Impressions said...

Holy crap, seriously? Zoinks! I'll send up good wishes that you and my dear friend from h.s. each find that special, reasonably normal someone soon! I agree though...write a book! ;)

TUWABVB said...

Itnernet dating sounds overwhelming, but to be honest, I know many, many happy couples (married and dating) that met that way. If I ever needed to date again (and if my husband keeps putting the dishes in the sink rather than the dishwasher I may), I would totally use it. That is a totally weird response!

MommaMo said...

Keep the faith - there is someone out there. Maybe he just hasn't found the internet just yet, which may be a good thing seeing that he isn't completely involved with the internet and not have time for someone else in his life... unlike a few other people I know. Hang in there. Mr. Right may not always be the Mr. Now.

Crystal said...

Kristie-
I came across your blog while catching up on Jennie's postings and I have to tell you... I LOVE It! I have laughed out loud like a fool, while my husband and dog look on, at many of your posts!... And the beauty of it all is how genuine your writing is (I think that's what makes it so amusing... It's so true to real life I think everyone can remember a time they were in a similar situation). So please... I beg you... Keep up the great work! I'll definitely be back to read more!!

kisskiss33 said...

hahahahah! I've had some pretty bad "internet connections" also. It happens to all ages and all walks of life. Good luck!