Getting it off my chest and then putting it right back where it was

I stress about posting blogs which makes it no fun for me. I stress that I don't write well enough. I worry that the few readers I do have will roll their eyes when they read what I write. I cringe when I see I only have 2 comments on a blog post when I've spent a long time writing something. I know I don't write that great, not enough to have hundreds of followers and it gets to me. Sure, my Mom and Grandma tell me I write well, but they are required to tell me those things, right?

No more. I'm tired of stressing about perfect grammar, spelling and punctuation. It's not that important to me in the grand scheme of things. Why would it be? It's just a waste of my time to worry about things I have so very little control over. I have no intention of making a career of writing so why on earth does it matter?


Hi, my name is Kristie and I don't write that well and I talk about things that, for the most part, don't matter to others, but that matter to me. There. I said it.

On to bigger and better things.

Since last Wednesday I have been eating mostly raw foods. The #1 reason I choose to do this was because I ate so unhealthily while I was gone for a week. I was away from home and it threw my off balance and basically I survived on junk food. But I was hoping that as an added bonus I would lose a pound or two.


Oh hell no, is what my body said to losing a few pounds. I actually gained almost 3 pounds. EATING FRUITS AND VEGETABLES. What the hell. Granted I ate some nuts and raisins and avocados and drank some fruit juice but it's not like I ate 7 avocados loaded with 3 cups of nuts and washed it down with a gallon of fruit juice. I am so confused. Why is my body being so hateful to me?

On the plus side I do feel lighter and less chemically laden from all the junk I had eaten. I enjoy salads even more and I found some really good recipes for raw foods that I plan on using again and again. I've found the love for green smoothies that I never thought I'd find. Who knew that adding greens to a smoothie could taste so good and be so healthy.

I'm curious to know if any of you have done any raw food cleanses or if you have a raw food recipe you'd like to share. Or maybe you just want to tell me that salads are the devil. Whatever you want, I'm not picky.

Kristie + New Years Resolutions = FAIL

I try and make a point to never make New Years resolutions because I know me and I know that the length of time I last with my resolution is about the same length of time I keep most men around. Hey, wait, should my new years resolution should be to keep a man around? Meh, that's too much.

Moving on!

I have one single new years resolution. It encompasses many different areas of my life. It can be as complicated or as simple as I feel like making it. But it is something I must follow through with or I will be breaking my resolution. It's such a simple thing, but I struggle with it everyday. It's time to stop making life harder for myself and get on with the being a grown up.

My one and only resolution for the year 2009 is to stop procrastinating. I put things off and set them on the proverbial shelf only to come back to a larger mess than I started with. Classic example: Yesterday I walked by my large bookcase in my living room and saw that a book had fallen to the floor and instead of picking it up and putting it back where it belonged I lazily pushed it aside with my big toe. It's still sitting there right now but now the cover is bent. Seriously, how hard would it have been to bend over and pick the stupid book up?

I often set important work things aside that I really should do at that moment but for some reason I just can't talk myself into just getting it over with. When I am faced with the very last moment to complete a work task I always get it done, but boy does it take some internal wrestling to make my brain get to it already. I always feel better when I get a project done or even a small task and I sit and wonder why I just didn't do it earlier when I have the chance to.

In short, I'm going to stop being such a lazy ass. I work more efficiently under pressure so I think I let things build up until they just have to be dealt with and I am left with no choice. The other thing is that I think I work better under pressure but maybe if I just stop putting things off that I'll find that life runs more smoothly if I just keep on top of things.

This resolution includes my home life, work life and everything in between. It's going to be a struggle to keep up with this new fangeled way of living. But I really think I need to take these new steps to be more successful and less stressed. And the first step to starting this resolution is to pick up that damn book already.

Home sweet home

First I want to thank the three lovely ladies who filled in for me while I was away. Jennie is a wonderful friend and I'm insanely lucky to call her one. Danielle is one of those people that reminds you that there are excellent quality people still in the world. Jess has the kindhearted spirit that just makes me calmer. Thank you ladies, I really appreciate you stepping in for me.

This past week ran the gamut of emotions. Taking your 13-year-old son 1,300 miles away to live with his Dad just plain 'ol sucks. I saw his new home, met his new teachers, took him to his nearest Walmart to get school supplies and snacks, admired the mountain top view from his home, and cried buckets when his new school denied him access to be a student because of the bureaucracy that exists. (It's still a work in progress to get him in school. But it's even more delayed because of the bad weather there and school's being closed.)

We had some good times during our week together. We played many games of Scrabble, one of which I won using the word 'sex'. We had our tarot cards read by my aunt and laughed with her because her neighbors were so loud on New Years Eve that our butts were vibrating in our chairs. We ate takeout pizza and overpriced Italian food. We spent lots of time at the Book Loft in German Village in Columbus, Ohio. We got lost about a million times in the downtown streets of Cumberland, MD. We watched the same Star Wars movie twice and high-fived each other when we drove from one location to another location without needing the GPS to guide us.

I'm gonna miss that kid for sure and I know that won't go away anytime soon but I think what I'm doing is the right thing. Hopefully in 10 years I'll look back and pat myself on the back because I'll know then that this, moving my son so far away, is the best choice. Please, please let that be the case.

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The one constant of the whole trip was the permanent knot that took up residence in my stomach. I'm sure that had something to do with the massive amounts of crap I ate. Mix that with stress and you have an unhappy body. Being vegan doesn't always equate to healthy and that was never more the case than on this trip.

In an effort to calm the beast in my belly and rid myself of all the junk I'm attempting a "Kristie" version of a fasting or cleanse diet. I've loaded up on fresh fruits, veggies, 100%juices, raw nuts and teas. I am going to try for a 10 day goal. Who knows if it will work, but it's got to be better than eating Taco Bell and Swedish Fish, right?

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Gah! Where is my brain! I forgot to mention that I got to spend some time bargain shopping with the always adorable, Katie. We are bonded forever because we both bought the same makeup bag at J. Crew. Thanks for the company, Katie, I had a blast!

the traveler

Hi, I'm Raven from Just Expressive and Kristie asked me to help out today with a guest post; it's my first, so be gentle okay? Haha!

I wasn't sure what I would post about but decided that the best thing to discuss is what you know, right? Well, what I know right now is TRAVEL. I am chomping at the bit for a vacation. Usually in January, we go to the cabins (Hideout on Horseshoe, New Braunfels, TX) for my birthday, but I think we aren't going to be able to make that happen this year.

Following the birthday trip, we usually take a larger trip later in the year. In the past it's been my home state of Arizona for a friend's wedding (or honestly just because, I will go home any chance I get). Last year it was Orlando for my son's 13th birthday. We had a phenomenal time and I highly recommend ANYONE get to Discovery Cove at least once in your life. It was an amazing experience and worth every penny.

Today I am on my bargain sites searching for this year's deals. I enjoy this process, I enjoy figuring out where we can go for how much money. I enjoy narrowing down our selection and coming up with fun activities that will keep us occupied while we are wherever we are going. Every year we try to go someplace we have never been before or do something we have never done before and this year it seems we are going to try Denver, CO. It's amazing how inexpensive the packages have been this morning. Originally we thought Seattle, but we might wait on that until the Sprog (my son) is a little older so he'll get more out of it, which will offset the cost a bit. I don't want to invest that amount of money for him to be bored. Teenagers can be such a joy ;-)

You may wonder how we are able to go on these trips given the state of our economy right now and I have a relatively simple answer: savings. We have money that is immediately deducted from my husband's paycheck and sent over to a savings account earmarked only for this purpose. Travel is a priority for me and that is the way my husband came up with, to make it happen; I am insanely grateful for the opportunities that has allowed us. Sprog is getting to see much of our country, experience new things and we get such great quality time as a family sans the stressors of real life. We have a very close relationship as a family and I think part of that has to do with these trips (along with the family game nights but that's another post).

I can't wait until June! The more I research, the more excited I get.

So now it's your turn to share! Have you been to Denver? What did you think of it? What activities would you recommend? Do you have another suggestion that I should look at instead? Is travel a priority in your life too? Is it something that is really no biggie? Do you use a travel agent or bargain sites like Hotwire or Expedia?

Anyway, thanks for reading and maybe I'll see you flying the friendly skies somewhere!


edit: I just realized that I never mentioned how I know Kristie. Through travel of course! I met her at BlogHer this year; she was one of my 3 fabulous roommates! I've actually known her online longer than that, through a music site, but I met her in person for the first time in San Francisco, even though we both live in Texas. How funny!

The things we do

Hi there! I'm Danielle from A Little Left of Lost. Kristie asked me to guest blog today, while she is off lounging at a whimsical bed and breakfast. Of course, I agreed, because I am sweet like that, and also a bit of a sucker.

For a bit of background info, Kristie and I went to high school together. I think we have agreed that we knew each other, or rather, knew of each other, but I don't think we hung out or anything. A couple of years ago, I saw her on Myspace (I know, I know). She was dating one of my old friends, and ultimately had the most precious, smooshy-cheeked boy (whom I just want to squeeze) with him. Anyway, she was my only blog reader on Myspace. She read me faithfully, and she convinced me to move my blog to a blogging site (yes, I am so sure all of you will thank her!).

When we first started talking, I couldn't help but feel that she probably had tons of friends, was a very busy woman, who probably didn't need another friend. But that wasn't the case. She asked me to meet her for lunch. She called me randomly. We went shopping at the Funky Monkey. We chatted, texted, and talked to one another while driving home. We've even baked together, and played Wii. And well, here we are!: I'm guest posting, and rambling on! (But really, I adore Kristie, and am so very glad we are friends!) On to the actual post!

I figured I would take this opportunity to blog about something that I couldn't talk about on my own blog. See, I have random family members who have found my blog, and I don't feel so comfortable talking about family stuff now. I know that they would read it and use it as ammo against me. It's just how they are.
Specifically, I'm trying to avoid my paternal cousin and one of my paternal aunts reading this. You see, my father is a complicated man. And my love for him is equally complicated. When I was little, he was 'my hero', and I would say that he was 'as smart as a rocket scientist'. We were close, 9 times out of 10. It was that 1 time out of 10 that really threw me for a loop. My father yelled, ranted, raved, screamed, and then pouted. He said hurtful things. He was irrational, and there was no talking to him during these times. It was hard to get away from him.
It was that 1 time out of 10 that made it hard to love him.
Over the past couple of years, things have become more complicated with my father. Some would call his behavior that of someone going through a mid-life crisis; others would say he appears mentally unstable, and could use some medication. He was fired from his job in 2007. He has made the idea of hiring him pretty difficult for possible employers. He cashed in some of his 401K, started a lawn and remodeling business, and dealt with a handful of stressful situations with his wife.
During this time, he has become more narcissistic, more selfish, more painful to deal with. He says things without thinking of the consequences, of the people he could hurt. He does things without thinking. He seems sad, lonely, angry, and looking for comfort, yet no amount of comfort can ease him.
My father has always been all of these things, but now they are amplified. And now, as an adult, with my own child, I am having to mediate, smooth things over, when my father is around.
I have to hide my alcohol. I have to watch his reactions to my daughter, lest his feelings get hurt by a 3 1/2 year old, and he lash out at her. I have to laugh off things, ignore statements...things I don't find funny; things I don't want to ignore. I have to avoid his phone calls when he is stalking me, because I just don't have the energy to deal with him every damn day. And I have to hear the disappointment in his voice when I say that I have other plans, or that my girl is napping and can't have a visitor right now.
I have to listen to my in-laws say hurtful things about him. I have to watch my husband avoid eye contact with my father, because he knows if he looks at my father, he may say something that will either upset me or my father. He doesn't want to hurt me by hurting my father.
But worst of all, I have to deal with my own emotions, my own reactions, my pain, frustration, fear, and anger. I love my father. I truly do. But my patience is wearing thin. I am sick of doing all of these things. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of the situation. The weight of it is excruciating and suffocating.
But.
These are the things we do for those we love. It's unbearable at times. The pain, anger, shame, exhaustion. But I believe that true love is defined as that love we have for someone in spite of all of these things.
I worry about hurting my father. I worry about alienating my other family members by defending my father, especially at times when I don't even feel he deserves the defense. Mostly, I worry that I will one day do this to my own children, without meaning to.
All I can hope for is more strength and patience. All I can do is pray for peace in both his life and in my heart.

Happy 2009 to you!

Well, hello there! And Happy New Year to Momma K readers! I hope you have spent your first day of 2009 eating black-eyed peas or nursing a very well-earned hangover, but definitely not chained to your desk at work. 

Kristie, as you may or may not know, is off on a road trip of sorts, and she has asked me to fill in for her today. And I am Jennie of She Likes Purple, but, what's more, I'm a friend of Kristie's. Not just in the blogosphere -- although those friends are invaluable, I can attest -- but in "real life", as well. I came to know Kristie in a rather unconventional way and you can read about that here or here, but no matter how we came to be friends, I am honored to know her, and she's one of the most fantastic people you could ever hope to meet.

So, I wanted to come here today to talk a little bit about resolutions. I'm torn on how I feel about this new years tradition because on the one, ambitious hand, I like the idea of putting out into the universe either through a blog post or a hand-written list or just a verbal acknowledgment how you'd like to improve yourself and your life in the new year but on the other, more pessimistic hand, I never, ever keep my resolutions. Just never. And why continue on with something with such a pathetic track record. Isn't that one such definition of insanity? Going about doing the same things expecting brand-new results? Each and every year I make "lose the weight!" resolutions and each year wraps up with me shaking my head and declaring "now, next year will be the year!" When will I learn, right? But I still kind of like the tradition, and I've been moved to make a few resolutions for 2009. I thought I'd share them here today and you could share yours with me. 

1. Lose the weight! -- Oh, I kill myself. But, really, this year is slightly different than any other because I won't just be shedding those pesky 10 lingering pounds, I'll be (attempting to) shed the pounds I've packed on since getting pregnant mid-2008. My (first) baby is due this February (wow, next month) and once he's out, all those Reese's peanut butter cups can no longer be blamed on the growing boy in my belly. I have spent the better part of this pregnancy feeling rather uncomfortable in my skin, watching everything just grow and stretch and sigh under the newly-put-on weight, and I'm officially ready to be in shape, with a defined waist. Sure, I may end up disappointing myself yet again, but I hope not. I'm crossing my sausage-like fingers.

2. Maintain some sort of personal identity -- So, I mentioned I'm having a baby, right? Right. And he's my first (other than one very spoiled vizsla), and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do as a first-time mother. I have visions of doing it coolly and calmly and I have visions of curling up in a ball in the corner of our house begging for mercy. I imagine I'll be a mix of both, and I'm not all that concerned, really, but I do know I don't want to lose myself in the role. This baby is a gift I prayed for, wanted, tried for, but there are still many things I want to be aside from his mom. I hope when 2009 wraps up, I'll be able to be proud of the way I maintained some semblance of hobbies, interests, desires of my own. We shall see.

3. Embrace that not everyone will or should like me -- This is something we all should learn as early as possible. I'll be 27 in just two days, and I struggle with this daily -- hourly, even! You do not have to like me, and I do not have to do anything differently in order to convince you I'm likable. So easy to type out, right, but so much harder to incorporate into my daily life. I spend too much time worrying about what so-and-so is saying/thinking about me, and it's a curse, really. That stress does nothing for me, and it's about time I let it all go. I don't think it'll be easy, but I do think it'll make me a better wife, friend and mother. 

4. Read more -- I work in publishing, I have a degree in English, I own hundreds of books. Yet, given the choice between a night with my DVR and a night curled up with a good book, I have to admit the book rarely wins. I want my son to enjoy reading, and I think the only way to really pass that passion on is to turn the TV off. 

So, tell me, what do you hope 2009 brings? What do you want to be proud of when the ball drops on 2010? 

Regardless, I hope it's a fantastic year for you and yours. I hope it's your best year yet, in fact.

Insert witty title here

So, um, have you noticed that I'm not doing well at blogging lately? I'm not the world's best writer and it takes me forever to come up with an idea of what to go on about and then I have to actually remove the idea from my brain and move it to my fingers so it can be disposed of on this here little blog.

My days have been filled with not exercising as much as I'd like and stressing about Derick leaving me and the holidays and a bunch of random stuff that I shouldn't even worry about. So by the time I sit at a computer all I really want to do is read other people's well written blogs and leave unwitty like comments.

In the spirit of being even more lame I fully intend on using bullets. In no particular order...

• Derick and I fly out on the 30Th which is exactly 7 days from today. He's been un-enrolled from the school here and enrolled at his new school in Maryland. He's started a massive cleaning effort of his room because I refuse to let him leave me for possibly ever and leave his room looking like it could qualify for a disaster zone and smelling equally gross. I cried for days over him leaving to live with his dad and I'm sure I will cry some more tears but for now I'm focusing on the positive.
• On to the positive. I'm potentially going to get to meet a few people that I've known via the Internets for years so I'm excited about that. I also might get to see another blogger that I haven't seen since BlogHer.
• I made the vegan cornbread stuffing that was made for the Foo Fighters on Top Chef a few weeks ago. Let's just say that I may have eaten 1/2 of if in one sitting it was that good. (The recipe is worded wrong if anyone feels the need to make this, and you SHOULD. It should say something simple like '6 vegan cornbread muffins'. Also, I used my favorite vegan cornbread recipe and it worked like a dream.)
• Speaking of cooking. I made the tastiest oatmeal pumpkin cookies last night. Derick had a friend spending the night last night and when I got up this morning I discovered they had eaten 2 dozen of them all by themselves. I intend on making these again and mailing them to Derick.
• Oh! More cooking. OK, it wasn't really cooking, but it did involve cookie sheets and a microwave and chocolate. My lovely friend, Danielle, helped me make dozens of peanut butter cups. Unfortunately I ate all of mine in less than 2 days. Make these and then tell me what you think.
• I know it's the holidays and I'm "supposed" to be buying for others but I was all done with the others so I bought some goodies for me. This top looks much better on me than the model, I think. I got it in this plum color and black. I just fell in love with this Nine West bag in Nero. It's been hard to find well made, non-leather bags and I just love this one. I just couldn't resist getting this one too in the Nero color.
• I still love my iPhone. I think I've told everyone that it's the best relationship I've ever had. Unlike most of the men I've dated (or been married to) it's reliable, it never lets me down and it never talks back.
• Jackson is quite possible the most spoiled almost 2-year-old I've ever known. For Christmas he's getting a tricycle, a swing set, a slide, TONS of toys and clothes, an Elmo Live and I'm sure many other things I don't know about. I stopped buying him stuff when I heard what the Grandparents were getting him.
• After this holiday, Derick will have ANOTHER gaming system that he desperately NEEDS. (His words, obviously.) My children never want for anything and I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
• I think I won't be asking my cleaning lady to come back. Every time she leaves she makes me feel like I'm living in squalor. There's a reason I pay you! And it's no so you can make me feel bad. Hell, I even clean before she comes!
• I'm not looking forward to tax season. We are short one person this year and that means that I will have to make up for it or everyone will suffer. I intended to not work as much so I could spend more time at home with Jackson but now that won't happen and I'm really bummed about it.
• I finally got my entire bedding set for my bedroom makeover. I think I've found the paint I will be using and I'd love to get Flor tiles for the rug. It's still a work in progress, but it's coming along nicely.
• And finally. Last night I didn't sleep well because my dog, Emma, decided that she could only sleep if she was curled into the tightest little ball and taking up my side of the bed. I swear she was slowly pushing me off the bed to get to my pillow.