Buying a swimsoup*

Yesterday I bought a swimsuit. And I didn't die. Dodged a bullet there, I tell ya.

I HATE HATE HATE buying swimsuits. I would argue that 99.7% of women hate buying swimsuits. We have to basically get something that covers very little and leaves little to the imagination. I want to leave A LOT to the imagination, thank you very much. I attempted to apply some self tanner to the thigh region before hand so I could fool at least my eyes into thinking my thighs are much less cellulite ridden than they actually are. I didn't die so I guess it worked. I may have fainted at some point, but obviously I made out on the other side.

Also, I'd like to confess that I'm getting older. I bought a tankini to offset the fact that both the suits I bought have skirts on them. Granted they barely pass for skirts since my ass is still hanging out but they are skirts none the less. They cover an 1/8 inch of thigh and I'll take that 1/8 inch.

The last time I wore a swimsuit and felt comfortable was approximately 28 years ago, when I was 3 years old. I still have that swimsuit also. It was a little red crochet bikini. You won't catch me in a bikini again until the day they invent lower body, specifically stomach, transplants. Seeing as how that will not occur in my lifetime I opt for the tankini. I get the cooler option of a two piece but with the coverage of a one piece which makes me feel less old and more hip.

I wish I could be carefree like some women who walk around in their swimsuits cut to there but it's just not me. When I go boating I always make sure that the excess fat isn't bouncing around all willy nilly like. I've tried skiing and knee boarding and all those things but I'm just to self conscious to give it the real big girl try. I'll be bouncing over waves! The thought sends shudders down my spine. When I get to a pool or lake or other body of water I high tail it in the water to my waist and then I let out a sigh of relief because I'm camouflaged part ways. That is until kids with goggles are under the water. I know, I know! When will the insanity end?

So I bought two swimsuits and I feel marginally good in them and their two piece, skirted-ness. I'm going to attempt to slap a smile on my, properly sun screened, face and make the best of it and have fun. Besides, no one really remembers the amount of cellulite their mother has, do they?

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* Jackson calls them swimsoups and I just don't have the heart to correct him because, hello?! swimsoup is adorable! If you disagree, well then, you can shove it.